Earlier this week, a pair of emails sent out to the entirety of the Columbia Student and Faculty body sent shock waves through the community. The first email featured an all too frequent and ignorable title: Uris Pool Closure, and specified that for the next 24 hours, Uris Pool would be closed due to ‘extra cleaning procedures.’ Normally, an email like this would go unnoticed. However, 30 minutes later, another email appeared across the Columbia Community’s inboxes. This one with a more jarring, eye-catching headline: Clery Crime Alert–Public Masturbation. Usually these two emails would be regarded as separate incidents, but students began to connect the dots after reading a notice at the bottom of the second email that stated: “Note: Even when underwater, in a place like a pool, it is inappropriate and illegal to fondle one’s genitals. Though it may not be immediately visible to those above the water, this still constitutes Public Masturbation. Thus, it is a Class B misdemeanor in the State of New York and can result in a penalty of 90 days in jail, probation, or a $500 fine.” Rumors quickly began to swirl, and The Fed sent a crew of journalists to get their finger on the pulse of this rapidly evolving situation.
One student, a Columbia Sophomore who wishes to go unnamed, explained: “I always ignore Uris Pool Closures, because who the fuck goes there anyways? But, I always read the Clery Crime Alerts due to the innate human desire to read about the unfortunate tragedies of others. Anyways, the note at the bottom made it pretty obvious that someone jacked off in the pool. And so obviously I had to make a Sidechat post telling everyone about my discovery.”
Another student, Mary E. Prude, complained: “This is unacceptable! First, I see everyone’s buttocks and breasts at Bacchanal. Now I am hearing that a student masturbated in the Uris Pool! Where does such lewd behavior end?” She continued on about the devolving nature of society under the leftist regime of New York City, but The Fed reporters kind of tuned that out.
When asked to comment on the matter, Columbia’s Administration reaffirmed their commitment to promoting student health and safety, but declined to comment on the exact situation.
