Uris Library announced last Wednesday that they would be rolling out a new vision of the first floor talking library. The first floor is known throughout campus for its social laidback vibe where it’s easy to socialize and study alongside friends. However, the Board of Trustees has criticized the library for the lack of productivity occurring in the library due to the chatty environment. Thus, they have announced an initial investment of $10 million to create a committee to investigate the purchase of ten tables.
Tom Cochehead, director of the sub-committee for the co-director of the project, described his vision in one word: “Triangles.” He continued, “Dude, I was walking fucking Frasier the other day, high as BALLS, and he had this sickass pattern on his sweater, you know what it was, fucking triangles, they were like this vibey-ass funky fucking color. Fucking Pythagoras man, he KNEW fucking triangles.” The committee realized that by having triangular tables that seat three people, one person can always be left out of the bigger groups. Tom explains: “Yeah man, usually people are in even groups of people, it’s easier to structure a room that way. But genuinely, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUCK those people.”
The three person Uris triangle tables are an exciting step in productivity by leaving the guy who didn’t make it into the second group chat to his own devices. “We are going to make the tables just far apart enough they can hear the whole friend group laughing at a joke, but far enough away they have to ask the group to repeat the joke every time, but just as they do they get fucking IGNORED.” Tom’s vision still seemed to be a work in progress though as he explained: “Maybe we can make a spot for the little chud losers who got left out, label it the LOSER corner and they can go stink up and cry in their little corner.” Whatever the future of Uris Hall first-floor may be, students across all walks of life are looking forward to ditching that one guy (fucking Travis), who keeps trying to joinbone the vibe.
