Santa Claus has recently been accused by United Elf Workers, one of the North Pole’s largest labor unions, of threatening to cut the wages and benefits of elves disseminating union related material in his workshop. While tensions have been rising due to stagnant wages despite inflation of the candy cane, the UEW’s final straw was Santa’s decision to hire a well known consulting firm previously used by Google and Amazon.
The Federalist traveled to the headquarters of Santa’s workshop directly to gather statements from the elves on strike.
“What do I think? He’s a crook! We are the backbone of this damn holiday and nobody recognizes it! Santa gets to sit his ass in that cushy sleigh one day out of the whole year while we break our backs to bring these kids joy!” commented Toy Engineer, Jingle.
One of the heads of the UEW, who wished to remain anonymous, noted that despite his long career in the business “this is the most blatant and ruthless act of union busting [he’s] ever seen in the history of the toy industry. What a shame.”
Particularly enraged protestor, Snowdrop—a Joy Assurance Controller—criticized Mr. Claus for his callousness, despite the playful facade he has been carefully crafting.
“He’s supposed to be this big generous guy, but if that was the truth you’d think we’d own some of the means of production by now! I mean, at the rate we get paid I can’t even afford my after work cookies and milk! At least if they made the switch from candy canes to USD we might have some more stability in this economy.”
The Federalist was also able to speak to Mr. Claus himself, who stated “I never realized a living wage was something elves cared so much about! I mean, what do they even buy, they’re at work for most of their waking hours? This whole situation has really been a pain in my ass. Do you realize how much money we have to put into revamping our image now?! What a PR nightmare!”
