Earlier today, students were pleasantly surprised to learn that their Canvas apps were no longer working, making it impossible for them to access their assignments, or even to know if class was still being held (might as well just assume that lecture is canceled, right?). These same students were devastated to learn that the Canvas outage is part of a larger malfunction of Amazon Web Services, which has rendered essential computer programs, such as Roblox and Venmo, unusable.
One student, Dee Signer, spoke to The Fed while on the verge of tears. “This can’t be happening,” she cried. “I saw that Canvas was down so I was ready for a day of fucking off at home and skipping class. But then I logged into my computer and it’s telling me that I can’t play ‘Dress to Impress’?” She sniffled, continuing, “What am I supposed to do? Read a book?”
The Fed also spoke to another student, Barry Woke, who explained, “The fact that the outage of Amazon Web Services is resulting in global catastrophe demonstrates the ways in which corporate consolidation is endangering our society. If one company can destabilize so much of our daily lives, aren’t we in their control, rather than them in ours?” At the time of print, Woke was seen getting a serious talking-to by two men in black suits and sunglasses (despite the cloudy weather) against a brick wall.
Additionally, an anonymous Amazon employee tipped off The Fed that the hamster wheel ensuring the consistent functioning of Amazon Web Services had spun off of its frame, causing the international pandemonium. The hamster, Lenny, is the same one who was previously employed by Columbia to keep the Vergil class registration stable. While Amazon Human Resources was aware of Lenny’s unsuccessful history, they defended their decision to hire him because “he was desperate and was willing to work below minimum wage. It sounds unethical, but that’s still much higher than what we pay our most experienced child laborers.”
