This morning, the Office of the Secretary has announced that they’ve found Columbia’s next president. The catch: they aren’t born yet. Just hours ago, the Columbia trustees announced that they have been working with the biology department to develop Columbia’s next president in a lab under Havemeyer.
“We used all of the data collected from the Presidential Search survey and amalgamated the results into a neural network that will be implanted into the subject’s brain,” explained the head researcher, Brian E. Ack. When asked by The Federalist how they were able to handle thousands of entries of data, Ack clarified, “We only used the survey data submitted by university donors. We didn’t even intend to send the survey out to students and faculty—that was a technical error caused by the CUIT hack.”
Ack and the trustees announced that they intend to have the subject ready to deploy by next semester, but they’re still working out some bugs in the meantime. “We played God a little too hard and accidentally gave it a soul,” explained Ack. “We have been working day and night to remove it, as we fear the subject will not be able to fulfill its role with it intact.”
