Columbia University, fresh off of a hacking incident, has been robbed of a significant portion of its data across the university. Among the victims of this data breach are Columbia students. Columbia, famously cautious when it comes to protecting its students, has decided to avoid sending any digital notification of data breach to affected students. Given the nature of the problem, a letter campaign seemed most logical. However, to avoid what the Columbia administration described as “the dangerous and ineffective US postal system,” they opted to send the message via owl delivery. Harry Snotter, a Columbia junior showed a copy of his letter to The Fed. The letter, which obtained minor wind and beak damage, reads as follows:
Dear Harry,
Congratulations!
You have been chosen among the almost 9000 undergraduates to be hacked! The unnamed hacker had a record breakingly difficult decision to make this year, but your paper titled “Borschet-Belt Broadway Barbie: References to Musical Theatre in Nicki Minaj’s Discography” set you apart as information absolutely necessary to the hacker’s algorithm! You have a lot to be proud of!
Warmly,
Dean Josef Sorrett
