Columbia University recently announced their plans for the incoming freshman classes’ NSOP programming, revealing that just like the incoming class it’ll be bigger and uglier than anything the institution has seen before. In the announcement, acting president Shipman stated that “one boy and one girl from each district, I MEAN—NSOP group will be chosen to compete in the first ever NSOP games.” When Fed reporters inquired what exactly these games would entail, Shipman said “Oh you know, just normal games. Cool fun normal games for a cool fun normal freshman class,” but behind her there appeared to be a cornucopia full of open seats in Butler and JJ’s express items.
We took to the streets to interview the NSOP leaders who have recently been retitled Gamemakers. Coriolanus Gaul CC ’26 shared that he thinks the Columbia Community will be really excited to see what they’ve been working on and that this would even address some of the concerns the community has had recently about the size of the freshman class. “Oh, they’re gonna love it. Imagine like the Olympics but instead of a gold medal you get to enroll in LitHum.” When Fed reporters asked what happened to the freshmen who didn’t win, Gaul’s demeanor became ominous and he said “Lets just say they won’t be taking any classes anytime soon…. Snow always lands on top” …For sure man! Whatever that means!
Wanting of course to maintain the journalistic neutrality we’re known and loved for we wanted to get all sides of the issue. We interviewed incoming CC freshman Clove, we learned about her hopes for this year’s NSOP: “yeah I got this email telling me to say goodbye to my friends and family before moving in and to make sure to pack tactical gear… I guess class registration really is that tough huh?” Oh Clove, you’re gonna die first.
We’ve also been informed that the University, never one to exclude Barnard, has added them to this new NSOP plan as part of their “Quarter Quell” initiative. Allegedly the Barnard students will have the same NSOP experience but their peers get to vote on who is entered into the NSOP games. We spoke to incoming Barnard freshman Lenore March about it and she claimed that she would “kill those bitches.” Good luck Lenore! And may the odds be ever in your favor.
