Leaked memos given to Columbia’s undergraduate Residential Advisors (RAs) have recently spread across campus, revealing that Columbia is asking RAs to make “social maps.” Social maps are diagrams that depict the social connections, hobbies/interests, romantic partner(s), etc. of an RA’s residents. While many have expressed concerns regarding surveillance and data collection, others face a graver danger: their empty social maps reveal that they’re friendless, hobbyless losers.
“I’m already on every watchlist imaginable, so the 1984-esque implications don’t really matter to me,” explained student Alo Nellie. “But people are supposed to think that I’m cool, and like, have friends!”
Data provided from the Common Application shows that 20% of current Columbia undergraduates have reviewed their college application essays, undoubtedly to remind themselves of old hobbies that their RAs can fill their maps with. “How would playing the Wien Lounge piano not count!” testified student RT, pointing at their ‘Why Columbia?’ essay.
Despite concerns, RAs have reported that upperclassmen ‘Connect Conversation’ attendance has increased infinitely, from an average of 0 per semester to 1. However, every attendee has spent the entire time expressing their lifelong, passionate friendship with Claire Shipman, David Greenwald, and/or Jeh Johnson!
