On February 26th, at 10:00 AM ET, my current “Inside the Situation Room” professor, who also happens to be former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, testified before the House Oversight Committee regarding her knowledge of and relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.
On that day, I got out of my 10:10 AM Political Human-Animal Studies class (a must-take) and, out of self-hate, chose to subject myself to a breakfast at John Jay. Trying to take my mind off the “eggs” I was eating, I thought, “Why not watch my professor, inside the situation room, as it were, testifying before Congress?”
Checking my most recently used apps, I opened up the C-SPAN app, hoping to watch my Professor using all the question-dodging strategies she’d shown us in class. However, upon joining the stream, I was extremely shocked and honestly disheartened to find my midterm paper, “On The Diplomatic Failures Regarding San Marino,” not only on her desk but in the hands of all the members of Congress.
Congressman Jamie Raskin (D-MD), was grilling her non-stop, confused on the point I was making on the 4th page, directly calling my work “a national disgrace,” and citing he was confused by “what changing the regulation size of Olympic swimming pools has to do with the economic fragility of one of the United States’ closest allies with a landlocked border?”
Of course, as expected, I was quickly thrown under the bus, with Professor Clinton claiming she never taught us anything about “regulation Olympic pool sizes,” as if anyone would buy that. Furthermore, Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) CC’ 69 then began a long tangent about how ashamed he is of his alma mater, specifically disparaging my use of Green Eggs & Ham as an opening hook. To her credit, Professor Clinton tried to defend the diplomatic expertise in Dr. Seuss’ book, even inviting Nadler to engage in close reading.
This clearly caused Mr. Nadler to have some flashbacks to his 1965 LitHum class, and he chose to back down. In the ensuing silence, Elise Stefanik (R-NY) then butted in to attack Columbia, praise Donald Trump, and remind everyone she was “extremely happy to be out of this bitch in a few months.”
It was at this point that Representative Ro Khanna (D-CA) stepped in to remind everyone that this hearing was about Jeffrey Epstein, much to the chagrin of Hillary, who was hoping they had all forgotten about that by now.
