In light of the recent announcement that the incoming Freshman class of 2030 will be larger than in past years, many students have expressed their worries that this enrollment change will cause the already overcrowded dining halls to become full-blown disasters and will make the housing process even more of a nightmare. However, the administration has insisted for months that they have a foolproof plan and there is literally nothing to worry about.
Finally, as the new class arrived for admitted students day, the current student body noticed a curious pattern that may provide clues as to the plan the administration had in mind. “First, we saw all their shoes huddled together under the bathroom stall. Like size 2. I was like, ‘Who brought 50 kids to the Lerner bathroom?’” Reported one Columbia Sophomore. “But then I heard a bunch of normal-sounding voices bragging about their extracurriculars.”
One bookstore employee expressed their confusion after coming back from their lunch break to find that all of the kids’ sweatshirts had been sold out. Similarly, a Columbia Dining representative reported that they had received a strange request to only serve the accepted students sliders instead of the usual burgers and to cut all pizzas into 16 slices.
After analyzing the various reports from the day, the Spectador investigative team has come to the conclusion that of the accepted students:
- 50 percent scored above 1560 on the SAT
- Students came from 48 states
- 100 percent were under three feet tall
- 28 percent were involved in Student Government
It seems like we once again underestimated the administration’s ability to effectively address student concerns. One administrator told us this new “fun-sized class” should address most of the overcrowding issues: “We can probably stick five or six of them in one twin bed, and each of them can only eat a quarter of a Chef Mike’s Sub at a time.”
