As the end of spring semester quickly approaches, commencement preparations are underway. In a recent announcement, acting Columbia President Claire Shipman announced that this years’ commencement speaker would be Polio Paul, perhaps the biggest celebrity in medical history. Spending 74 years relying on a nine foot long iron tube to breathe, Polio Paul is known to have the record for the longest time living while inside of an iron lung. This came as a shock to all Columbia students, following in the footsteps of renowned past commencement speakers like Joe Biden, Maya Angelou, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Marie Curie. As news spread around campus, students and faculty alike could not contain themselves.
“I mean, I’m just in shock. I cried when the news came out. I almost passed out. Like that’s a legend, dude. None of those phony past speakers compare,” remarked one excited student, sprawled across Low steps, attempting to catch his breath.
In the announcement, Shipman wrote that Columbia would celebrate the speaker this year as, “a symbol of resilience, tradition, and manhood, some traits many students could afford to learn from.” Despite the forward moving medical technology, Polio Paul’s stuck to the good ‘ol iron lung, inspiring those across the globe to embrace 20th century medicinal practices. In addition to his dedication to surviving inside the iron lung, Polio Paul also has a law degree and wrote his own memoir, using a pen with his mouth to write.
Columbia administrators have begun preparations to accommodate the full iron lung atop the speaker pedestal. The Columbia bookstore employees are working day and night to stitch together enough graduation gowns to cover the entire lung.
