In the wake of massive snowfall in New York City, lame duck president Claire Shipman announced that the Task Force on Snow Removal has officially begun its investment in a new type of sidewalk and lawn clearing device “capable of immense, awesome power.” The new metal-plated John Deere/Lockheed-Martin engineered snow removal bulldozer, officially called the Kinetic Immediate Liquidation Loadout bulldozer, will enter campus in June and begin snow-time operation around October of next year. The snow remover, colloquially called the “KILL-dozer,” is designed to quell all of the civil unrest created in response to ice on and around campus. The KILLdozer is designed with safety and efficiency in mind—instead of the fast moving brushes of current snow removal equipment, the KILLdozer utilizes a streamlined design of sharp metal barbs that rotate hundreds of times per second, creating a cheerful metal whirring and grinding sound around campus. The KILLdozer is also attentive to the safety of the driver, with reinforced steel covering the frame of the dozer and a riot-level vacuum-sealed door capable of keeping out even the coldest conditions on campus. The dozer is further equipped with a V6 engine and state of the art suspension, allowing the vehicle to travel up and down sidewalks and even lawns at up to 40 miles per hour. Claire Shipman joked when announcing the dozer that “even the fastest snowmen can’t get away from this one.” One shortcoming of the design of the KILLdozer, however, is that due to the higher clearance of the sharpened steel blades, the dozer will not be able to remove ice from campus. But, students can rest-assured that, from sidewalks, to snowfriends on the lawn, to the occasional pesky little Low steps sledder, the new campus safety KILLdozer is sure to do its job well.
Task Force Creates Campus Safety KILLdozer
