In this economy, desperate job applicants are often forced to apply skills to areas they may not have initially expected. Skills in the humanities might be applied to work in a coffeeshop, skills in engineering applied to creating borderline criminal chemical weapons, and, apparently, skills as a University president and Peabody award winner to work as an actress in a spin-off to the horny, homerotic (but-also-really-romantic-with-serious-emotional-depth-I-swear) Tik-Tok sensation, Heated Rivalry.
According to The Fed’s deep-cover sources, Shipman, despite being positioned as a temporary president, was absolutely astonished that the Board of Trustees was able to find someone willing to actually come run Columbia. As the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures. And in desperate times, as Shipman is purportedly fond of saying, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. And what she has to do, in this case, is star in the HBO’s soccer-centric spinoff, Her Hole, My Goal!
Rumors have it that this sapphic, sporty romdram might not just be a financial endeavor for Shipman, but also an attempt to repair her reputation with the students of Columbia University’s schools. This assumption may not prove unlikely—after all, how mad can students really be at their ex-president after seeing edits of her and fiancee to Tyler the Creator’s “Sticky” or Megan Thee Stallion’s “Cry Baby”?
