- Establish mandatory Mnookin Pronunciation Training for incoming freshmen.
- Delete all pictures of Wisconsin from my phone, and go strict no-contact with Bucky Badger.
- Visit Times Square! 🤩💗🏙️
- Building on a foundation of mutual respect, active service, and open communication, establish a close relationship with every member of the NYPD.
- Ask Claire Shipman for the password to the presidential Netflix account.
- Expand Columbia’s tradition of excellence in academic research by Googling “Amity bar senior night when.”
- Establish an “office hours” program where I will take the time to address concerns, complaints, and demands directly from the federal government.
- Karaoke with Rosenbury (show her my fun side!)
- Rebuild Columbia’s reputation as a place where people of all different backgrounds can sleep for one hour a night and develop a mental illness.
- DEFUND THE VARSITY SHOW. TAKE THAT WOKE MUSICAL SHIT TO BROWN.
- Replace the current closed-campus gate system with a protective, bulletproof-glass LionDome around campus, sheltering us from the dangers of our friends and neighbors in the city.
- Continue the storied presidential tradition of sending 3-5 medium-useless emails a semester, while taking advantage of the Presidential Gemini account to write them “hands-free.”
- Make the trustees proud!
