Happy Holidays! This is Santa, sending out a mass dispatch to all your little munchkins — naughty and nice — around the globe. We at the North Pole get a lot of requests for toys, family, and peace on Earth, which is wonderful! However, there are some requests that we lack the capacity to address due to the limitations of our elvish magic and recent inflation in the value of the holiday spirit.
- Assassinations of world leaders: As everyone should know, the Geneva Accords expressly prohibit the interference of a mystical third party into the political affairs of any Western country. While Rudolph has gone rogue a couple of times this year, I assure you all that he has been through the appropriate disciplinary measures to resume his work on the force and will be on a tight leash this holiday season.
- Better grades: Children, you don’t just get grades, you earn them. Spend a little less time on your phones next year, alright?
- A new set of
parentsColumbia University Administrators: Similar to request #1, federal law states that mystical third parties cannot interfere in the operations of private businesses. - ChatGPT Pro: Santa’s Workshop has a complete no-AI policy. Asking for any kind of generative AI is an automatic coal in your stocking.
- A batch of Epstein files that will finally implicate Trump: Sorry kiddos, Santa’s been dealing with a backlog of black ink being delivered to the Justice Department, which is making this request a little difficult for our elves. Also, as for the rumors that Jeffrey Epstein traveled on the sleigh to and from his island, Santa pleads the 5th, 6th, and 14th Amendments.
