In the wake of myriad changes to the government and general functioning of the nation made by the Trump Administration, President Donald Trump has announced a modification to the fifty-star American flag, which has been used since 1960. At an emergency press conference this Wednesday, Trump expressed his grievances with the appearance of the flag in a long-winded, rambling speech.
“You know the flag—it’s the flag for the greatest country in the world by the way, America. It’s got colors, great colors: red, white, and blue. But, you know, there’s also some problems with it,” said Trump. “People are saying, and I’ve always said, ‘It’s not sexy, it’s not hot,’ and I know about sexy, just think of my beautiful daughter… We need to make America sexy again. So, I’ve decided, let’s start with the flag.”
The president then pulled a cord and the curtain behind him fell, revealing a version of the American flag with all fifty stars replaced with hyper-realistic nipples, most of them pinkish. An audible gasp rippled through the crowd as camera shutters flashed. The president went quiet as he stared at the newly unveiled flag, seemingly a little dazed, transfixed by his creation. After a beat, he pointed at a singular brown nipple at the top right corner of the flag before stating, “And some of these women, very beautiful women of many colors, they have brown nipples. I put one here because I am the greatest ally to beautiful women with beautiful brown nipples. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you that I am the least racist person ever because I love breasts of all colors and shapes and sizes unless they are too old or came here illegally. Illegal brown nipples are not sexy, not beautiful.”
Soon after, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt responded to questions regarding the logistics of this perky change with prompt, curt answers. A Fed reporter asked how exactly President Trump planned to produce and disseminate these new flags, and where the money to do so would come from. Leavitt responded, “Why the fuck should I tell you? But, since you asked, this is why we cut SNAP.”
It is currently unclear whether President Trump has the authority to execute this change. It is now one of many boundary- (and bra-) pushing aims of his administration, which may or may not be upheld by the Supreme Court.
