On election night, New Yorkers rejoiced in the victory of Democratic candidate Zohran Mamdani as the city’s next mayor-elect. After the terror of Andrew Cuomo’s gubernatorial reign and former mayor Eric Adams’ controversies—which came to light from a Sabrina Carpenter music video—Mamdani’s win represents, in his words, the toppling of a “political dynasty.”
Many of our Federalist staff attended Mamdani’s victory speech with the intention of getting Mamdani’s autograph (or his socks) to sell on eBay. However, while our reporters waited outside his dressing room, they overheard a voice on the other side of the door. “It kinda sounded like an out-of-breath donkey,” one of our Fed staff said. “As soon as I heard the voice, I felt a chill go down my spine. It sounded oddly familiar.”
The mysterious voice reportedly said, “God, this was difficult, but I did it. Pretending to care about others was exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to smile for eight hours straight every single day? I probably need, what’s that word, empathy? Gross. Anyway, I’m glad the campaign’s over. Now I can keep laundering money from those hair transplant surgeons in Turkey.” To get to the bottom of the mystery, our staff leaned their heads into the ajar door to look inside. They saw none other than Eric Adams grinning ear-to-ear, harping about the new woman he met on Hinge, while a prosthetic mask of Mamdani lay flat on the floor. The Fed regrets to report that ‘Zohran Mamdani’ was never real. Rather, the entire Mamdani campaign was just Adams’ latest vanity stunt to prove he can outsmart a city he barely understands. Instead, he just proved that the mask looks better than what’s underneath (seriously, he needs a skincare routine…yikes).
