In a bold display of transparency, Columbia University announced that next year’s tuition hike will go directly toward producing more high-quality emails informing students about said tuition hike.
The announcement came in a six-paragraph email sent at 4:12 AM, titled “Important Update About Your Columbia Experience™.” Students were reportedly so confused by the phrasing that many assumed it was spam. “It was formatted exactly like a phishing attempt,” said Ellie Attachments, CC ’27. “But then I realised, this is phishing, just legally.”
According to the Office of Communications, the funds will be allocated toward improving the “email experience.” Planned investments include:
- A new AI-powered system that automatically sends apology emails from “The Columbia Community” every time the Wi-Fi collapses.
- A student-engagement team dedicated to finding fresh synonyms for “increasing costs.”
- A personalized font for tuition updates called ‘Sans Affordability.’
- A new signature with more extravagant loops and tails designed by the Campus Calligrapher in Residency for President Shipman’s sign off.
“We understand that affordability is a concern,” said a University Spokesperson. “That’s why we’ve invested in a brand-new initiative to email you about how concerned we are. Concern is expensive.”
The administration defended their decision, noting that communication is a core value of the university “We want students to feel connected,” a spokesperson added, “especially to the idea of financial instability.”
Rumours suggest the next tuition increase will fund an interactive “Virtual Financial Aid Portal” where students can spin a digital wheel labeled “Maybe Next Semester.” Others claim a portion of the money will go toward hiring a full-time employee to ensure every email begins with ‘Dear Columbia Community’ and ends with ‘Best, Facilities.’
Faculty have mixed feelings. “I get more emails about tuition than about my own class schedule,” said one professor. “Sometimes I reply ‘unsubscribe’ just to feel something.”
At press time, Columbia sent another email titled “Your Voice Matters!” It included a short survey asking students how they feel about the tuition increase. All responses, regardless of content, reportedly redirected to a thank-you page reading: “We appreciate your continued investment in your Columbia education.”
