Epic brother Halloweekend plans were tragically disrupted for Alpha Smegma brothers this weekend. Brothers were led to believe by local news reports that there was going to be a huge amount of “snow” at Cornell over the weekend. With calls of “sendy” and hopes for a totally fucking radical Halloweekend, the Smegma brothers quickly packed up their crusty sacks, hoping to secure their own bags of white snow.
Brother Chad Poser was one such excited Alpha Smeg brother hoping to “score some blow and score some below,” but felt unprepared upon arriving in 30-degree weather in only a prisoner costume to “get totally fucking cuffed.”
Further misfortune befell many Alpha Smegs: the body of brother Max “The Shrimp” Morose was found this morning with a cold layer of frost on his slutty hunter costume, with which he had aspired to “shoot down a couple of fucking birdies with.” What started as an exciting opportunity for brothers to “drink milk beers up the nose” ended in tragedy. With little food and no refuge from the cold, many Alpha Smegma brothers resorted to cannibalism, Chad eating Max, brother eating brother, Alpha eating Smegma.
In desperation, brother Harry Chode recounts praying out to their house’s patron god, “Cheddy Wap,” but his discipleship was not enough to save many brothers from succumbing to the bitter cold.
