Following the never-ending search for a Columbia president, the Board of Trustees is proud to announce that the search is over! Hallelujah!
“I was walking through campus at golden hour, thinking about how lost this university has become without a president,” an anonymous trustee said, “when, suddenly, my face collided with a firm marble chest. It was the statue of Hamilton. At that moment, the clouds parted, and I heard faint scatting in the distance. The message was clear. I knew it when I saw his fedora-enframed face that Lin-Manuel Miranda should be president of Columbia. I mean — think about it. This school needs the leadership of a founding father.”
When asked by The Fed how he felt about the tough job of being University President, Miranda responded, “Columbia! Mi encanto! Mi encanto!”
Rumour has it that Miranda wants to take a more hands-on approach to the role and has stated he will make immediate changes, alongside his work on a new musical titled Columbia: The Story of One Million Presidents. Miranda’s changes include replacing the MusicHum syllabus with musicals he’s written, increasing the number of essays given out in both CC and LitHum because “Hamilton wrote the other 51,” and if he could do it, so can the students. Any students who are found guilty of academic misconduct must duel their advising dean (to the death, if possible). Miranda has also decided that students should watch Moana instead of reading The Odyssey because they’re basically the same thing, but only one demonstrates his musical genius.
When asked about what he plans to do about Columbia’s endowment crisis, Miranda responded, “I am the chosen one and I am not throwing away my shot.”
