Like all good Columbia College seniors, I walked into Dodge Fitness Center the other day to complete my swim test, donned my finest (and tiniest) swim trunks, and hoped to harness the powers of Poseidon. As I made my way to the deck, I balked at the sight before my very eyes: a man wearing a Columbia Engineering hoodie walking beside me. Surely, he was not taking the test too? Indeed, he did not enter the water; instead, he tore up pieces of the diving board, the floor tiles, and the plumbing. Before I could express my shock, he began to use the detritus to craft a sea vessel, upon which he hurled himself off the diving board, gouging out his left eye in the process.
“Yaaaarrrrrggghhhhh!” he howled, so loudly that the students crying in Pupin must have heard it, before hurling the eye at the test proctor. Treading water and trailing blood, he pulled an eye patch out of his trunk pocket (where did he even find one?) and placed it into his empty socket. I tried to stay focused and continued swimming ahead. As I swam, I saw a bright fire ahead of me and realized that it was his boat’s engine, whose exhaust flames I now had to dodge. So that’s why they named the gym Dodge! Unfortunately, on my final lap, the boat’s anchor tore off my leg, and I was unable to complete the swim test. Not the first time a SEAS student has screwed up a test’s curve!
