As Columbia’s flu season dies down, students now face a new threat to their 8:40 AM LitHum lecture. Several students have reached out to The Fed after witnessing a ghostly TA spirit rise out of the floorboards of Hamilton: “It was crazy! I had just used up my third cough per lecture coupon when next thing I know a decrepit hand clasping onto the Iliad shot up from the ground grumbling ‘close reading… close reading….’” Other witnesses claimed to watch the walls “violently peel” revealing decades of Core Curriculum trauma and an “icy chilling breeze” swept through the room. Students reported a ghastly voice whispering, “Participation counts for 10% of your grade.”
Despite widespread confusion of the event, several local mediums requested CU access and exclusive interviews with our reporters over at The Fed. One representative stated, “The mixture of phlegm and the sacred trinity coughs likely stimulated a dormant spirit in Hamilton Hall to awake.” Another source claimed, “Facilities have long been aware of the haunting but said it’s ‘not a maintenance priority at this time.’”
Our advice? Next time you go to class, make sure you respond to that discussion post—and don’t forget your crucifix.
