With less than 2 weeks until US News releases their list of best colleges for 2026, Columbia students have been spotted compulsively reloading r/ApplyingToCollege and arguing on the phone with relatives about the quality of their education.
“MOM, you don’t get it. Columbia’s actually a T-3 school and US News has just been salty for the past 3 years,” one freshman could be heard shouting as he sat on Low Steps, wearing a Columbia hat, Columbia socks, and that fuckass golf polo that they sell in the bookstore.
But luckily, it seems the 12th place disaster may soon be over, according to one clairvoyant Columbian: “You can clearly tell from Alma Mater’s hand position that she’s predicting a ranking of 6 or 7,” said Krystal Bell (CC ‘28, Astronomy), as she indicated the angle of Alma’s outstretched arms. “It’s as if she’s actively weighing which of the two numbers it could be.” Bell further pointed out that Alma Mater was modeled on the goddesses Athena and Minerva, who, “as everyone knows, are either the 6th or 7th most important members of the ancient pantheon.” The evidence seemed to go even deeper however, as at exactly 6:07 PM, Alma’s arms cast a shadow on the steps that, when measured by a Columbia-branded protractor (coincidentally available for $6.70 in the bookstore), conveniently formed an angle of exactly 67°.
When asked if it was possible that these signs could be interpreted as Columbia sinking to 67th place following a year of high profile scandals, our source unfortunately turned pale white and began consulting her notebook of astrological symbols. Following 6 to 7 minutes of calculations, she scurried off while incoherently babbling, of which we only caught the words “Cornell” and “transfer.”
