In my final days as a Columbia student, I have been reflecting on the skills this institution has left me with. For starters, I learned how to read and write. I didn’t know how to do that before, which surprises a lot of people, especially given the way I tore up Dostoevsky. Thankfully, it turned out no one else in my Lit Hum knew how to read, so my professor did some serious heavy lifting that semester. Thanks, queen!
I also learned how to ride the subway with no hands, like a real New Yawker, as they say. Like, I am practically levitating. I am really good at this, except when the train starts and stops (and that’s when I tend to fall onto a seated mother and child or elderly person or otherwise unsuspecting patron of the MTA).
But, looking back, I realize that I missed out on one classic Columbia experience. I don’t mean the one you are thinking of, but if you are thinking of what I am thinking of, then please let me know. My days here are numbered, and I don’t know if alumni get Library access anymore. And, anyways, that would be embarrassing at that point.
Back to reflecting. As I tally up my collegiate wins and learning moments, I realize I failed to meet one iconic Columbia stereotype. I never rose to the challenge. I never took Principles of Economics. And, actually, if I’m being honest, I’m really bad at economics. Like shockingly so.
At first, I thought it was just my asshole capitalistic piggie highschool Econ teacher who hated the fact that I got free lunch. So, I shopped Principles for, like, three days. But deep down, I knew. I’m not cut out for this world. Numbers make me nervous. Like, there is no way any investment banking firm or really any institution that involves money or standing desks would want me. Like, no way. Sorry, mom and dad!
But, to be fair, I did get a degree in Ancient Studies (what?) and dedicated the rest of my free time to finishing up a Visual Arts Minor. So yeah, you could say I really made the most of my Columbia experience—gnawed on the bones, sucked the marrow out, made a broth. And if you’re lucky, I mean, really lucky, you might just do the same. Godspeed.
