As part of a yearly tradition, the university has released a demographic poll of the newly-committed class of 2029. Most notably, the survey reported that a whopping 100 percent of incoming students “can’t use chopsticks and would like a fork, please.”
Due to these shocking findings, the pollsters at Columbia decided to go deeper, sending out a follow-up poll to the student body to clarify why. 100 percent of students replied that they aren’t “trying to be culturally insensitive or anything, I just never learned how to use them,” and that “honestly, this whole situation is just kind of embarrassing, so if we could just speed this whole process along and get me a fork so I can start chowing down, that’d be great.”
This revelation of the lack of dexterous digits among the incoming freshmen has sparked uproar from upperclassmen across the university, with many seriously concerned about potential increases in fumbling for IDs at gates, pushing incorrect elevator buttons, and spilling food on those damn Ferris stairs.
In response to student concerns, Columbia College has announced the addition of a new “Chopstick Test” to the Core Curriculum, during which students will be required to pick up a piece of sushi, a noodle, and a grain of rice with a pair of chopsticks.
