The Columbia English department recently published a study on the usage of personal anecdotes in creative writing “fiction” among university students. The department began funding the study after Professor O. Versher found that every student in their seminar seemed to be writing about divorced parents, a breakup occurring in Riverside or Morningside Park, and an extremely well-detailed traumatic event that was “shockingly vivid compared to the rest of their story building and characterizations.” As of now, the implications of such research appear to just be an awkward, expansive knowledge on that one class rando whenever you see them in the dining hall and an odd “call to action” when you run into said classmate crying in public.
The University Registrar’s office has yet to release their reaction to such results, but the English Department expects a reevaluation of major requirements and a “significant decrease” in explicit narratives detailing sexual intercourse occurring within a “dorm-like setting.” Furthermore, a source within the office revealed that English Professors began proposals for this research following an influx of Creative Writing department theses focusing solely on “what can best be described as an intense situationship and desire to overshare with one’s peers in an ‘acceptable manner.’” The study also found that nearly 97% of creative stories included a character with “the same first letter or a variation of the author’s name,” as well as the “exact same hometown – usually Los Angeles.” The consequences of this research on the alleged overhaul of the Creative Writing department will be visible in the coming months as professors crack down on 20-something-aged protagonists with a lust for sexual incompatibilities and fire escapes.
