Citing the campus-famous maxim “Barnard to bed, Columbia to wed,” Katrina Armstrong is commencing her interim presidency by announcing a five-year strategic plan aimed at lowering the rate of Barnard boyfriends. “These relationships are just becoming too serious,” she wrote in a campus-wide email. Implementations include banning Columbia men from Barnard dorms, introducing mandatory speed-dating sessions between Columbia students, and shipping up men from NYU for Barnard students to date ($5.99 handling fees incurred).
“These Barnard baddies are becoming too bad,” said one Columbia freshman (shortly before the phrase “Barnard baddies” was banned and replaced with the more sexually-neutral “Barnard buddies”). “As a first-year student looking for some fun during NSOP, I was disappointed to find that all of the men had mysteriously vanished from my dorm. Then I looked across the street and realized that they were all over there, hogging every green chair in Milstein!”
Armstrong claims to have taken such measures in order to allow Columbia students to find love within campus gates. “Barnard students have far more sex appeal and much better fits than our own students. If we don’t impose strict sanctions, there won’t even be any more Columbia men left for Datamatch, let alone alumni marriages at St. Paul!”
Current measures are proving ineffective, as numerous sightings of Columbia men in the Barnard gender-neutral bathrooms have been reported. Although some Barnard students have begun to break up with their Columbia boyfriends, even more have transitioned into acquiring Columbia girlfriends, creating a completely new problem.
