Legend has it that under the grate outside Dodge Hall—the one at the top of the stairs from College Walk—lives a gigantic rat. He’s enormous, truly. A full unit of rat, like that one really buff one that punched the steak in Ratatouille to tenderize it.
Allegedly, his name is Randy. Randy the rat. He’s real big, and I’ve heard he’s plotting something even bigger. At first, he was just a friendly neighborhood rat. He was always sweet to the tour groups, whispering about how great the cheese cubes are at the dining hall. But as his size grew from all that cheese, so did his ambition. He’s been amassing an army of (regular sized) rats. Yes, they all work for him. I don’t know what Randy is planning exactly, but I know he’s down there, scheming. And his little soldiers are out in the streets, grabbing that Koronet’s vodka slice that you dropped on the sidewalk, bringing it back to Randy so he can grow even larger. At this rate, his head might break through the grate soon.
This account was limited by an army of rats guarding the grate before I could get too close. I don’t know what he’s doing, but it needs to be stopped. He’s gaining too much power. We must slow him down at all costs. Enlist at www.elspectador/fight-the-rats/army-against-rats.com if you want to join the valiant battle against Randy.