(GROUND)BREAKING: Digging a Tunnel to the Core of the Earth Now Counts for a Global Core Credit

Graphic by Lauren Unterberger

In an earth-shattering decision from the new dean of Columbia College, Dr. Josef Sorett announced to students via email that digging a tunnel to the core of the Earth will now count for credit alongside classes like “History of Modern China” and “World Cinema: Mexico.” This new development, he says, “will only serve to update our world-class university into a world-dominating university.”

Ignoring concerns that this is not yet scientifically possible (or generally encouraged), Sorett dispelled any opposing parties by saying that “the kids should get outside more… maybe live a little bit. Touch some grass, you know.” 

Understandably, this new development will be met with a yearly tuition increase of $4,000 for a universal “Shoveling Fee” where each CC undergraduate will receive one edging shovel, one trench shovel, one flat shovel, one tree-planting shovel, fourteen power shovels, one pocket map, and two 20oz bottles of Dasani water.

Applications to receive hole credit will open on January 14, 2023. Students are encouraged to meet with their advisor prior to submitting an application for a “very useful consultation in which your advisor will find the application by googling it,” according to the Columbia College advising webpage.