Columbia University Ranks Number 1, According to New Ranking Data Released by Columbia University

In a shocking email from Columbia University released mere moments ago, new data supplied by Columbia University shows that Columbia University ranks number one across all US News and World Report categories. The data sheet, which was independently reviewed by the Columbia Board of Trustees and approved for release by the deans of Columbia University, reveals that Columbia’s previously reported numbers were in fact underestimations of the university’s successes. The email, penned by Dean Mary Boyce, discussed the systemic failures of professors, faculty, and staff all being too humble and reporting incorrect data, which led to the university’s temporary loss of the #2 rank. “We just felt awkward bringing up our terminal degrees,” reported each of the 66 faculty members who had previously reported their highest degree was a bachelor or masters. “We didn’t want to seem snobby.”

Across the board, Columbia’s rankings in every category rose dramatically when compared to their previously reported data. The student-faculty ratio, once erroneously listed as 6:1, was corrected to 3:1. They further corrected the graduation rate of 96% to its true value of 100%, after realizing that no administrator could remember a single student who failed to graduate within six years. “We hope that these updated numbers help renew a sense of faith in Columbia as a leading university. We have always remained committed to… I’m sorry, I have to go” commented Dean Boyce on her way to personally break up a SWC union protest.

 “I couldn’t believe it when I saw it, but it all checks out.” said Michael Thaddeus, a math professor, who had previously raised concerns about the veracity of the university’s self-reported figures. “I could’ve sworn that I was teaching a lecture course with at least 80 students, but according to this sheet, every Columbia class consists of 20 students or less,” Thaddeus mused, eyes shifting around as if he was looking for an escape. “I must have been mistaken.”