It was a balmy evening. I made myself a cup of tea and cracked the window. Oh, the lovely breeze. But what the lovely breeze brought in… I thought it was a bee at first and was terrified. But no. I learned this tiny, little, dumb fly was so much worse. I knew if I didn’t prepare, he would slowly drive me crazy, so I had to out-crazy him. The only course of action was to follow Kate Hudson’s tried and true 10-step method on how to lose a fly.
DAY ONE: Calling Too Much
Heeeere little fly here little fly!!! Come to the vacuum!
DAY TWO: Ruin Sports
Play tag around the room with a fly swatter!
DAY THREE: Girl Things
Hey little fly, do you want to watch the notebook and then talk about how we wash our diva cups?
DAY FOUR: Chick-Flick Marathon
Maybe the light of the TV will make him easier to spot
DAY FIVE: Food Issues
Start putting food away. He’ll hate that!
DAY SIX: Nagging About Cigars
Start putting his cigars away. He’ll hate that even more.
DAY SEVEN: Being Terrible at Sex
Right when the fly is on the ceiling, that’s when…
DAY EIGHT: Stevie Nicks
DAY NINE: Make Composites of What Our Kids Would Look Like, Get Him a Dog, Take Him to a Fake Therapist, Get Him Punched in the Actual Face
Awww, look at this picture of little Benji. He has all of your eyes.
DAY TEN: We Physically Separate by Several Thousand Miles
Day 10, and you were being a tease. Had me chasing you to the window, you’d look out of it then turn back around. Fuck it, have the lease.
I’ve moved to Los Angeles.