Seeya Terminal 5: Bacchanal Board announces last-minute return to campus

On Thursday, March 31, the Bacchanal Board announced that there will be a last-minute change to the event’s location. Though previously scheduled to take place at Terminal 5, a concert venue downtown, tomorrow’s Bacchanal will be returning to campus.

During an interview with The Fed, Bacchanal Talent Coordinator Samuel Davis stated, “We just thought it’s really important for Bacchanal to return to what it used to be. I mean, this is the first one since 2019. We can’t be throwing it at an off-campus place that’s only for seniors. It’s supposed to bring the school together, and it can only do that in one place: campus.”

Dean of Undergraduate Student Life Kristen Kromm added, “We hear your outrage. We hear your voices. You may not have thought we were listening. But we were. We always are. Always. And that’s why Bacchanal will be back on-campus this year! In Postcrypt Coffeehouse.”

For those unfamiliar with the performance venue, Postcrypt Coffeehouse is located in the lower floors of St. John’s Chapel. Though the event will now be open to non-seniors, capacity will go from 1,500 students to 50 as it is moved into a subground basement. 

Additionally, due to costs associated with pulling from the Terminal 5 contract last-minute, the Bacchanal Board can no longer afford a high-profile, quality artist (which they most definitely had lined up) and the event will instead be headlined by PrezBo’s old Nickelback CD.

“Look, you think it’s easy to move a concert to Low Plaza with only three weeks’ notice,” said Kromm, “It was either this or the Furnald Lounge and you just KNOW those Furnald dorks would ruin the vibe. I don’t get why you’re all so mad. Columbia’s already hard to get into, it’s only fair  if the traditions are too!”

Sources indicate that, to replicate the danger of drunk-since-8am students finding their way to Midtown, private contractors have been hired to widen the gap between stairs leading to Postcrypt. CAVA has been instructed not to respond to calls.