Begging professors to let you into their class during shopping week
Classes at Columbia fill up fast, turning course shopping week into a bloodbath where no one is spared. Columbia’s Core Curriculum serves to create well-rounded students who can apply analytical and creative skills to the job market. If you can learn to beg for a class like the pathetic little worm you are, you can someday beg for a promotion, beg for shares of a company, and perhaps even successfully beg to be CEO.
Memorizing the Beyond Barnard resume action verb list
You employed analytical skills, utilized your resources, and collaborated with professionals to compose a well-evaluated resume. You compiled a list of verbs, evaluated which would best persuade an employer, adapted them into your resume, and successfully arbitrated the dispute of whether or not you should be hired. Congratulations. You deserve UW credits for this. This is the most help that Beyond Barnard will ever give you.
Playing Hinge like a video game
A wise man (me) once said that Hinge is the literate man’s Tinder. You’ve sifted through New York’s eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. You’ve responded to their prompts in a way that’s witty and aloof, but not so much as to put people off. You’ve even crafted your own profile, explaining in great detail how pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza and how your ideal date is a night in. Good job, you horny bastard. The only way you should be taking UW after this is to a nice dinner at Le Monde.
Training your family to use pronouns over break
What’s more UW than a proper grasp of grammar? Once you’ve formulated brilliant arguments to address your well-meaning mother’s qualms about “all this gender stuff,” one could say that you have passed the test of fire. You’ve been properly initiated into our “liberal disgraceful institution’s” indoctrination plan without the help of the classroom. Darling of the cosmos, you should not be taking UW—UW should be taking YOU.
Doing Wordle religiously
This one is self-explanatory. You participated in the only fad in the cultural zeitgeist currently that employs knowledge of the English language. Try starting with “irate,” “adieu,” or “raise.”