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“My Body is a Temple,” Preaches Staunch Vegan Before Railing Fat Line

Every week, passionate vegan Saffron Woods, CC ‘22, dedicates hours to fermenting her own tofu and milking every nut known to man. When asked by Federalist reporters about her dedication to clean eating, Woods replied, “My body is a temple. It’s important to respect it by avoiding harmful products.” She then whipped out a Whole Foods gift card, used it to cut voluptuous lines of the finest Colombian cocaine, and snorted so powerfully it sounded like an AMBER Alert.

As she rattles off Twitter facts about factory farming, it becomes apparent that Woods is highly educated on the risks of consuming animal products. “Did you know that over 80 percent of antibiotics are used on animals that are eventually consumed by humans?” she says while unpacking a 50-pound bag of coffee recently shipped to her apartment. “I just don’t feel comfortable taking the risk of ingesting toxic substances like that” (Woods then asked the Federalist’s reporters to leave the room, after which they overheard a vast quantity of beans spilling onto the floor, followed by what sounded like a knife slicing through many layers of plastic wrap.)

Woods takes a holistic approach to her health, consisting of morning yoga and meditation, a strict vegan diet, and, of course, enough cocaine to fuel a Fleetwood Mac recording session. “As the ancient Greek philosopher Hippocampus once said, ‘Let food be your meds,’” she said proudly, “and I really try to live by that.”

As of press time, Woods is being questioned by the DEA, following the seizure of a speedboat (which she ordered online) with 500 pounds of cocaine melded into its fiberglass hull. The administration had been monitoring Woods for some months due to suspicious deliveries of random bulk goods.