After experiencing severe anxiety, insomnia, and flashbacks for the past year, I finally decided it was time to seek professional help. I described my symptoms to my therapist who informed me that I likely suffer from an acute case of post-traumatic stress disorder. She asked me if I had undergone a traumatic event and, suddenly, everything made sense.
Last year, I had a particularly unfortunate Tinder hook-up experience which lasted roughly 30 seconds. The offending gentleman in question was completely unabashed, however, at his brief performance. Upon seeing my disappointment, he merely pulled out a dog-eared copy of Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style, made piercing eye contact, and quoted, “brevity is a byproduct of vigor.”
This event is undoubtedly at the root of my trauma. Since the cursèd date, I have been haunted by night terrors and war flashbacks. This is my Nam. If you need me, I’ll be in exposure therapy hoping I don’t encounter another Tinder bachelor with a Strunk and White fetish.