Columbia Denies Barnard Students Testing, Citing Shortage of Fucks to Give

Image courtesy of Zoe Davidson

Before Columbia made their decision–with no small measure of disappointment–to conduct the semester completely online, they stocked up on fucks to give. Columbia ordered copious amounts of PPE including masks, alcohol wipes (hold the wipes), hand sanitizer, fucks, and rapid testing kits for each undergraduate college. Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen shortage, the fucks are no longer available to Barnard students.

Barnard students, once promised a sweet, sweet, robust, multi-million-dollar, testing regime, are left to fuck themselves with a Hitachi wand. Instead, Columbia donated Barnard’s shipment of fucks to NYU under the circumstances that NYU will not use said fucks for student health.

Due to the lack of testing and fucks on Columbia’s part, Barnard students are denied access to Columbia’s campus buildings and resources. Barnard students are now forced to check out course material from a mobile ‘zine library and the online Lesbian Herstory Archives. Despite the fact that Barnard students graduate in Columbia gowns with Columbia Degrees (at Columbia University in the City of New York), they are not ‘Columbia student’ enough to receive one, singular fuck.

President of Barnard college and Instagram aficionado, Sian Beilock, attests “we have ordered supplemental fucks for Barnard students, but they are currently backlogged due to the overfucking of students at Notre Dame and UNC. We are also looking into the possibility that Barnard’s fucks may have accidentally gotten mixed into PresBo’s stash for visiting dignitaries and donors.”

When asked about the topic, PresBo replied, “we made a fucksie-wucksie with the fucks to give.”

The Federalist, Columbia’s foremost reputable investigative journalism source, will continue to track the story and dig up fucks.