Columbia and NYU Announce Merger Amid Pressure From Student Anime Shipping Calls

Artwork by Kat Chen

WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK—This morning Pres Daddy Bo and Pres Daddy Hamilton announced a historic merger of their respective universities: Columbia and NYU. This marks a pivotal moment in the histories of both institutions, which have since combined under the name “New York University in the City of New York.”

The two entered into a kinky merger discussion on Hinge after students from both institutions began “shipping” them. It goes without saying that the two universities are compatible: Columbia is a top and NYU is a bottom (of Manhattan), Columbia only dates international students and NYU is full of them, Columbia prefers younger and more energetic partners and NYU is 80 years younger, etc.

The student bodies of both Columbia and NYU have a long history of activism concerning a range of issues, including global warming, Achilles’ sex life, and Foucalt’s Discipline and Punish as applied to BDSM. The Columbia-NYU merger, however, proves the effectiveness of a brand new tool in student activism: sexually-charged anime fan art. “Creative forms of expressions can significantly amplify your call for a desired partner,” explained Sima Taparia, host of the hit Netflix show Indian Matchmaking, “I am not at all surprised to see that what works for my clients also works for private research universities in America.”

As with many happy unions, there are jealous parties who are attempting to break up the pair. Cornell University—among the most eager suitors for the “dominating” Columbia—said it “felt betrayed” when the latter opted for the shyer, more artsy NYU, and plans to lobby the federal government to block this merger due to antitrust concerns. President Lee Bollinger refuted this claim, arguing that “in New York there is no such thing as an arranged merger; there are mergers and then there are love mergers…and we are definitely in love.”

Artwork by Connie Tran
Artwork by Parirna Kay