LONDON–Last week, the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement Office announced that international students attending American colleges may not remain in the US to take a full course load online. This shocking announcement, however, came with a catch: international students will be allowed to return to the Home of the Brave-Enough-To-Catch-Coronavirus if their universities pursue a hybrid model, with some classes taught in-person and others virtually.
Realising that even a single in-person class can permit its international students to stay in the US and continue paying tuition, the Columbia administration swiftly put together a new course that it will offer to its foreign students this fall.
After carefully sifting through various potential topics that it believes would appeal to internationals, such as the Ultimate Guide to NYC Clubs, the Art of Privilege: From Oxford Street to Wall Street and Introduction to Frugality: How to Survive New York Winter Without a Canada Goose, the administration has settled on a topic that it believes will benefit the broadest base of students: Advanced Anti-Smoking Seminar.
While the exact details are yet to be finalised, it is rumored that the class will be taught by Barack Obama—our famous alum who, as an international from Kenya, quit smoking nearly a decade ago. The class will meet at 9PM every night in front of Butler Library. In line with social distancing measures, students must separate themselves according to the length of 15 voluptuous, well-rolled joints. Juul pods will be burned on a nearby pyre to both warm the students during cold winter months and show them that not a single pod will be tolerated.