“Deadlines No Longer Exist,” Announces Bollinger in Email––No, Not that Email


In anticipation of the release of Columbia’s Fall 2020 plan, President Lee Bollinger has announced that Columbia University will no longer implement deadlines, with the ultimate goal of completely eliminating deadlines from all institutions, forever and in perpetuity. 

After a two-hundred and sixty-six year history of a traditional deadlines system, Bollinger’s scheme will allow students the flexibility of turning in assignments at their own personal leisure. Eliminating due dates on assignments will purportedly allow Columbians to pursue careers, family life, and even death, all while on track for their degree.

“Screw it, turn it in whenever you want! It’s not like thousands of students are hanging onto your every word or anything,” the email read. 

The decision to eliminate all deadlines was made after Bollinger’s own July 1st deadline––when he had previously announced that an announcement regarding the fall would be announced––came and went with no announcement from the president. 

“I mean, he didn’t even ask for an extension,” said Barry Dinkins, SEAS ’22. “What kind of nonsense is that?! Where’s the announcement??!!”

In response to how this will affect the yet-upcoming announcement, PrezBo submitted a traditional five-paragraph essay full of SAT words, once again, via email. After extensive translation experiments conducted by the Federalist, we have determined that President Bollinger’s email can be summed up as, “no comment.”