Top 10 Women Joe Biden Might pick as VP, Ranked From Hot to Not!


As Presidential hopeful Joe Biden begins to think about—and promptly forget—who should be his 2020 ticket buddy, the news world is racing to predict who the lucky lady could be. This speculation comes months after Biden fielded a question about the VP pick with, “I haven’t decided who, but I know he’s going to be a woman!” He later added, “Oh shit, sorry, ‘she.’”

  1. Stacy Abrams. I mean, have you read Selena Montgomery?! If you haven’t flipped through a few pages of Hidden Sins, take a time out during this election.

  2. Elizabeth Warren. Is there anything hotter than going behind your boy’s back to endorse the enemy? So hot. Even hotter? Getting to stay up late in the sitch room making decisions. That’s all to say: she can fuck up my big conglomerates any day. 

  3. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Ugh, she’s technically not eligible… but that only makes it even hotter? I guess I can wait a few more years for healthcare for all—I’ll just be really careful when I fly fish.

  4. Lady Macbeth. “Unsex me here” she said and we were hooked. Plus, she can join Biden in seeing things like “air drawn daggers.” Oh Lady Macbeth can I take you “to bed, to bed?” 

  5. Grimes. She is so normal and relatable—that’s hot. She ate only pasta for two years, for cryin’ out loud. We honestly only included her because it would be hot to call Elon Musk the Second Gentleman. 

  6. Monica Lewinsky. How else are we going to win over Trump voters if not by pissing off Hillary Clinton? 

  7. Barnard. Big pants, small shirt, White House. B&B, all inclusive. Just picture it: a nation reborn. Sian Beilock would rise to Supreme Vice President, Lee Bollinger would become Supreme Leader Vice President. The Senate would relocate to Hewitt, the House to Milstein. All would be right in the world.

  8. Mulan (the cartoon, not the live action). We figure this one will be able to sneak by some pesky male voters when dressed up as a man for battle. Who doesn’t love a classic She’s the Man trope? Even Shakespeare stole it when he wrote Twelfth Night. Bonus points for better relations with China and finally defeating the Huns. Plus, with her grandma’s lucky cricket, Mulan’s got the election in the bag.

  9. Martha Stewart. We should have only criminals in the White House; continuity is what this country needs in these trying times.

  10. Statue of Liberty. Oh my! She is one attractive statue. Alma Mater does not even come close.