HAMILTON–In a blatant act of discrimination, complete fool Matt Lerner CC ’22 received a failing grade in Frontiers of Science for nothing besides completely misunderstanding all of the course material. In response to being arbitrarily failed despite scoring less than 20% on every exam, Lerner began the process of bringing a lawsuit against Columbia University.
“From an early age, I knew I would go to Columbia. I can’t put my finger on it–maybe it was the beautiful campus, or the diverse student body, or even the exciting athletics–but something about the school just called my name,” said Lerner. When asked if he had a personal connection to Columbia–specifically to any buildings on campus–he declined to comment.
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school. But my professors aren’t buying it. For some reason, Rashid Khalidi wouldn’t accept a crisp check from my father in place of my History of the Modern Middle East final paper.”
“Frankly, Matt exhibits stupidity so profound as to be a public health hazard,” said his Frontiers professor, Theodore Bartleby, “I’ve never seen someone with such an utter lack of comprehension of every single piece of course material. I gave him a two percent on the final since he was able to write his name with only minor misspellings.”
Matt’s family is suing Columbia for what they describe as “blatant idiotphobia”. “I think it’s frankly unjust how these academics look down on those not lucky enough to be blessed with the ability to tie their own shoes,” Sarah Lerner, Matt’s mother, told the Federalist. “My Matt can’t help being too dumb to live, and I don’t think he should be penalized for being born a certain way.” The Lerner family lawyer, Michael Rosenberg, refused to submit a statement but commented he usually represents clients with slightly higher IQs.
The Admissions office was contacted for details regarding Lerner’s original admission to the school, but they declined to comment. President Bollinger, however, issued this statement: “Listen, we could stop the matriculation of legacies, but we have to try to keep up with Princeton.
As of press time, Bollinger was seen leaving his Low office, gently caressing a bag of money labelled “Lerner’s Tuition”.