“Ope, Let Me Slip By Ya There,” Says Midwestern Student Stealing Your Ferris Table


FERRIS — Proudly wearing khaki shorts and a Vikings t-shirt despite the 47 degree weather, Mike Wilson CC `20 absolutely sniped the one free table left in Ferris’s upper level at 1:00 pm this Wednesday afternoon. “Ope, sorry!” he was heard exclaiming as he slung his black North Face onto the chair. With an open-hearted, childlike smile, Wilson remarked, “Ferris sure gets real full, dontcha know! But at least they have all these flavors of pop.” He proceeded to select cherry-vanilla flavored ginger ale.

Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends about how freezing it was back home. Pulling up the weather app on his iPhone 6, he showed his friends the temperature in his hometown: “Look, it was -10 degrees Fahrenheit last night. -10!”

Wilson has been spotted many times waving hello to strangers on Broadway. Says his roommate, Jake Greenberg CC `20 (born and raised in Scarsdale), “You’d think after three years here, he’d notice that nobody ever waves back. Well, no, there was that girl from Nebraska who waved back once. They ended up dating for 7 months.”

Wilson’s former Lit Hum professor weighed in. “Yeah, he used to bring me a literal apple every Thursday. Pretty sure he was stealing them from Blue Java in Butler. I was just grateful, though, when he stopped showing up with a slate and chalk to take notes on. Man, was that thing loud!”

On his way out of Ferris, Wilson reportedly stopped to warmly thank Fausta as he shoved a handful of starlight mints into his backpack. “Waste not, want not!” he said, oblivious to the line growing twofold every second.