Report: Prezbo Definitely Still Fucks


LOW LIBRARY – Students from around the world come to Columbia in order to quench their thirst for knowledge, but there’s one burning question that most have yet to find a definitive answer to: is Lee Bollinger, president of Columbia University, still sexually active? The Federalist set out to find out the answer to this elusive question once and for all, and after weeks of thorough investigative reporting, our team can say that, whether you like it or not, Prezbo definitely still fucks.

A week spent tailing Bollinger through a series of costume changes and close encounters with his security guard made it clear to our reporters that Columbia’s 19th president, now 72, still maintains his virility. Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.

Bollinger’s wife, Jean Magnano Bollinger, attested to his sexual magnetism: “Of course I love him for his brain, but I’ll admit his luscious, flaxen hair and pasty, slightly under-moisturized skin are just irresistible. What can I say, I’m a lucky woman!”

Legends of Bollinger’s sexual prowess also circulate among the world’s top leaders and thinkers. Richard N. Haass, president of the Council on Foreign Relations and friend of Bollinger, also remarked that, “Lee just radiates that ‘I still have sex at least once every two months’ kind of energy; you can feel it in any room he walks into. Hell, I’ll be frank with you–he can eminent domain my Manhattanville any day of the week.”

However, not all are thrilled by Bollinger’s sporadic coitus. Several students in Wien Hall have claimed that Bollinger’s erotic rollicking, or “Prezboning,” late into the night has deprived them of precious hours of sleep. “It just last for hours,” says Gillian Lawson CC ’21, who has the deep misfortune of staring directly at the President’s mansion from her Wien single. “The man’s an athlete. It’s as impressive as it is deeply unsettling. I even tried calling the RA on duty to enforce quiet hours. No luck so far.”

Despite doubters and detractors, the fact of the matter is that Prezbo definitely still fucks. As of press time, Bollinger had just been named to The Economist’s “America’s Top 10 UBILFs” (Union Busters I’d Like to Fuck).