PRESS – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NEW YORK, October 8, 2018 – As a result of Brett Kavanaugh’s contentious confirmation to the Supreme Court, important conversations about binge-drinking and consent are happening all across our country. After careful consultation with members of our council, we have decided to continue ignoring the systemic and institutional issues that perpetuate fraternity rape culture. Instead, we’ve devised a series of new, female-empowering drinking games:
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.
Never Have I Ever: Instead of using this game to boast about their sexual conquests, men are limited to feminist statements such as
Never Have I Ever forced a woman to drink more than she wanted to
Never Have I Ever listened to Chris Brown post-2009
Never Have I Ever perjured myself to get on the Supreme Court
Anyone who has done one of these things must take a shot or donate to Planned Parenthood.
Beer Pong: May now only be played with Rosé.
Edward 40 Hands: All men present at the party tie a 40-oz. can of beer to both their hands. They do not need to drink from it (in fact, even if they finish drinking, they must keep the can taped on). This will keep their hands occupied for the entirety of the night.
The Devil’s Triangle: Although we’re not clear on the specifics, we have been informed by Yale that this IS a real game and is definitely all about treating women with dignity.
Flip Cup: After having a cup of “respect women juice” (rebranded jungle juice), team members must go out canvassing for their state’s pro-choice candidates. The winning player is the one who successfully flips the Senate.
These revised rules are effective immediately. We hope that these changes will help protect women, but most importantly, protect men from women with legitimate sexual assault allegations.
Greek Council President
Pronouns: He, Him, His