President Bollinger Gentrifies Wife’s Side of the Bed

PRESIDENT’S MANSION  — Following Columbia’s recent expansion into West Harlem, reports came in earlier this week that University President Lee C. Bollinger has expanded the University’s reach to his wife’s side of their shared California King bed.

Bollinger began scooching closer and closer to his wife’s’ side of the bed over the past few months. However, in recent days, expansion has accelerated, leaving Bollinger’s wife displaced from the bed.

When she requested to switch to his half of the bed, Bollinger replied that she could not, “for the good of the community.” Instead, he proposed that she “sleep on the couch, or buy a Craigslist futon.”

“Their room used to be so vibrant,” Bollinger’s housekeeper Francine said. “There used to be a clear agreement about whose space was whose, and that agreement allowed everyone to thrive. But since Bollinger decided to expand his reach, the room has lost that authentic character it once had.”

After Bollinger received word of his wife’s grievances, he released the following statement through the University Press Office regarding the expansion:

“This side of the bed, MY side, will provide innovative spaces for teaching, pioneering research, artistic expression and the shared human experiences of a great bedroom defined by openness and diversity. As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”

His wife could not be reached for comment by the Federalist, as she was speaking at a Community Action event.