Freshman Thought He’d Be Having More Sex By Now


CARMAN HALL — Brandon Jameson CC ‘22 has recently been spotted traipsing around campus looking sullen. “Brandon has been a little down these days, and it’s obviously because he’s not getting laid,” claimed his roommate Yefim Bulkowski CC ‘22. “I’ve been laying pipe all over this campus and I think it’s messing with his mind. Though they confirmed that Brandon is definitely not getting any action, after a cursory look at Bulkowski, Federalist reporters quickly debunked his claim about his own sexual prowess.

“I just thought that it would be different here, you know?” said Jameson, who was found sitting forlornly on Low Steps, admiring the great philosophers adorning Butler, who definitely got laid.n. “I know I’m not like Bradley Cooper hot, but I don’t think I’m a hideous beast either.. I assumed that things here would be different from things at Milwaukee High School. I thought smart Ivy Leaguers might actually value my clever ideas and intellectual personality but alas, they’re even more shallow than back home. I thought I was really hitting it off with this girl at Mel’s, but she totally ditched me for some thick-skulled wrestler. And she was a Barnard girl!”

“Students come here with so many expectations that it’s difficult for them to avoid disappointment,” mused Peter Stallone, an advisor at the student life department. “Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks. And these expectations quickly crumble when faced with the harsh reality of sexual attraction.”

“Brandon is just one of those guys, the ones that aren’t mean or particularly unattractive or bad or anything, but also just don’t really get any attention,” claimed Jasmine Landsfield SEAS’ 22. “Wait, who are we talking about again?”

Jameson has been searching for even an awkward, fumbling encounter wherever he can. “I’ve been to nearly every club meeting, but I’m about to throw in the towel and go to the BDSM club.” Representatives from the BDSM club have made it known to both the Federalist and Jameson that he is not welcome.