AMSTERDAM — Principles of Economics professor Sunil Gulati, 59, was seen this morning utilizing the invisible hand of the free market to disentangle his uncomfortably-positioned testicles.
After bystander Andrew Colon ’20 witnessed Gulati “moving awkwardly from side to side, like a cowboy,” he noticed a “clear and distinct hand-like bulge going to town down there,” despite Gulati’s own two hands remaining clearly visible.
“All this time I thought the invisible hand was just a visual metaphor for the unintended social benefits of an individual’s self-interested actions,” Colon said. “It turns out that it’s so much more. I’m glad that Columbia is really showing me how concepts in the classroom affect your day-to-day life.”
Gulati denies responsibility for the testicle repositioning, insisting the genital adjustment was performed by powers outside of his control.
“The Hand was simply adjusting my ballsack to a distribution beneficial to all individual members of the community,” Gulati explained. “It is in all of our best interests that my balls do not chafe, but I do not control the Hand. I repeat, I do not control the Hand. Individuals do not control the Hand. How many times do I have to fucking explain the Hand to you people?”
Sources close to Gulati report that despite his claims, Gulati has been using the Hand for years to scratch difficult-to-reach locations on his back and tap on people’s shoulders from afar.
