Freshman from Midwest Thinks “Duane Reade” Name of Campus Drug Dealer

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MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS — Sources close to The Federalist have confirmed that David Schultz of Lakeville, Minnesota, CC ‘21, believes ‘Duane Reade’ to be the name of Columbia’s resident drug dealer.

“I heard he has everything — pot, pills, even coke,” Schultz told The Federalist. “He lives in a suite in E.C., I think, or maybe off campus somewhere, where he can conduct his business anonymously. He can’t be too far though; people seem to go to him all the time. I’m no expert in drug dealing, but he must have quite the enterprise running over there.”

Schultz further speculated that Reade likely “majors in something foreign, wears a lot of tie-dye, and calls everybody ‘dog,’ but like, in an ironic way?” Schultz, who believed in Santa Claus until  2013, further confirmed his absolute faith in the morality of the man allegedly behind Morningside Heights’ drug supply, saying “He’s always super nice to freshmen, and makes them feel like they belong, without pressuring them to use or anything. And he knows everyone’s name on campus, and always stops to say ‘Hi.’ Good old Duane — I think he’s gonna be a real staple of the Columbia experience.”

Despite Schultz’s clear interest in the man behind the drugs, he himself has yet to decide if he will become a Duane Reade customer. “As far as drugs are concerned, I’ve been there, done that. Once you’ve experimented, what’s the point?” said the eighteen year-old freshman who once took what he called a “heavy toke” at a friend’s graduation party. “Still, I might have to fall off the ‘ol wagon just to fit in here; it’s like everyone does it. I could’ve sworn I heard my RA saying something about stopping by Duane Reade to ‘pick up a few things.’ Who knows what that could mean?”

“Still, I’d definitely be interested in meeting him,” said Schultz. “I’ve noticed people coming back from the Duane-meister with soda, food, even bottles of wine. He probably gives those as little perks to his favorite customers, or maybe just to be nice. And I heard he even has cards you can get for a rewards program! Seems a little traceable to me, especially with those bags with his like logo or something on them. But yeah — pretty thoughtful on his part.  For a drug dealer I mean.”

When questioned, David’s friends admitted to feeding the myth that he had created in his head. “It’s just so adorable” said Adrian Hemmer, CC ‘21 and David’s roommate. “He just thinks we’re all the coolest kids on the block that we already have a hookup for our fix, even if it is just my asthma meds.”

As of press time, Schultz has confirmed that despite the uncertain ethnic provenance of the name ‘Duane,’ “there’s no reason to assume he’s black or anything like that.”

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