The Five Thiccest Lit Hum Books You’ll Ever Read

There are two types of readers: those who get off on skinny little 200-pagers like Song of Solomon, and those looking for a thiccer text, something with meat and substance. To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you.  Without further ado, here are the five thiccest books in the Lit Him syllabus, all guaranteed to make you sweat.

5. The Aeneid: While it can’t compete with the thiccness of some other choice Lit Hum titles, Virgil’s Aeneid is thicc enough to easily satisfy most hungry (and thirsty) readers, and has more than enough material to satisfy your craving. With footnotes on every page and a stunning appendix in its trunk, the Aeneid spits game with the best of them.

4. The Odyssey: Popular with Latin students and literature majors alike, Homer’s Odyssey will have you wetter than the Mediterranean with its harrowing tale of the Greek hero Odysseus and his treacherous journey back home. Divided into 24 full-figured books, each pretty thicc in its own right, the Odyssey’s metaphors will have you rereading sentences again and again. When you get to the final bloodbath, you’ll be pressing replay on that money shot longer the Odysseus got it on with Circe.

3. Inferno: Don’t be fooled by its small dimensions and unassuming cover. Dante’s Inferno, which features both the original raw Italian and a slick English translation, is thiccer than it may at first appear. The small print will make you work for it, and it’ll take some stamina to get through some of the hottest scenes. But if you manage to make it to the final stage of Hell, we’re pretty sure you’ll be begging Virgil, to take you on another ride.

2. Crime and Punishment: Clocking in at number 2 on this list is a book that has it all: crime, punishment, and other stuff, too. For the inexperienced reader, Crime and Punishment is a punishment in itself (but as a Columbia student, you’re into might be into that). However, anyone looking for a thicc read will find that Dostoevsky’s 1866 classic offers an outlet for all of your naughtiest, most punishable desires. Just wait until you get to the horse beating scene; we’re pretty sure by then you’ll be beating your own horse, too.

1. Don Quixote: Without a doubt, book number one in the Lit Hum thicctionary is Miguel de Cervantes’s Don Quixote. Clocking in at 940 pages and with a titillating introduction by Cervantes scholar Edith Grossman (don’t get hung up on that not-so-hot name—her analysis is stupid thicc), Don Quixote will have you chasing windmills all night long. And by windmills, we mean Sancho Panza’s dick. That peasant boy can get it.

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