Columbia Mistakenly Hires Math Professor Who Speaks English

BUTLER- Columbia’s Mathematics Department released a statement last night that it mistakenly hired a professor who could actually speak clear, concise and understandable English.

“We apologize for our mistake. In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes. They cannot truly understand the beauty of the Hairy Ball Theorem until it’s explained to them by a professor unfamiliar with even the Latin alphabet,” said Director of Undergraduate Studies Marissa Li.

The first warning signs that the department had erred in hiring James O’Connor arose when his class’s midterm average was over 50 percent and only covered material taught in class.

Concerned students reported being able to fully understand the professor’s lectures without having to interpret mangled grammar, look up the lecture topic online, or ask for notes from their Asian friend.

“I didn’t come to an Ivy League university to be spoon-fed information,” math student Atticus Hutchinson CC ’19 said. “I came for a challenging, intensive educational experience in a diverse learning environment, and the fact that I was assigned a white, English-speaking professor—a Gentile, no less—is an insult to all of Columbia’s values.”

Professor O’Connor was promptly notified of the mistake and told to pursue other employment options, perhaps at Cornell University.

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